love · destiny

One day i will just go berserk.

this is the final straw.

ive just started work and they already asking me for money. its not that i din plan to give them in the first place.im paying for myself and everything. isnt there supposed to be a trade off?

by not being supportive of anything i do i have nothing to say. but why must they always put me down, pushing me to the deep end. for once, isnt there anything they can be proud of me? i am always the stupid one, the dumb one who follows blindly. fine. so be it. i have my reasons for doing sth.

i am only 20. ppl at my age are still studying, having fun in campus whereas i am stuck in an office with people who breathe down my neck everytime and i go back home just finding myself to face the same thing again. im not complaining that this is a tough life for i know everything out there is tough. but ppl just have to add on and continue slapping me facts which i already clearly know since i was in pri sch. im at my wit's end, im at my last straw.

who will give me my freedom on my 21st when there wasnt even any to speak of?

definitely the wrong time to be sick.

fact is, i have just started on a new job and badly need to perform and show my boss..this is the best time to prove your capabilities and now i am underperforming badly..haiz..terribly sick since first week.. first week already took mc from work at the end of the week and now i am coughing like an old lady not to mention that my stomach is still bloated and my appetite isnt back..everything taste and smell horrid to me now..and im feeling nauseous too...the whole feeling just feels terrible..seems like its not slp that my body wants..dunnoe what is it up to...its just horrid..someone save me pls........

for a while ive lost the urge to talk about my mundane life to the ppl out there..my life is mundane, boring to most, but this is not how i choose to be most of the time.

its time to put down things which dun mean much to me and move on..i mean, a better job...not dat its high paying or wad..but at least i can save up abit and cover most of my bills..frens have been asking me when i will go and pursue a degree, but, i am sad to say that this is likely not to happen in 2010...most prob 2011...there isnt exactly a choice for me.

i rem more than half a year ago my mom was still nagging and yelling at me everyday for not finding a job, not contributing to the household.i am still not contributing to it, but im paying all my own bills..jap classes, insurance, food, transport, mobile bills..im barely surviving now..most of the people would say i am a hardworking girl, most would view me as someone who can be a good housewife. i am not sure if i can agree to that, but to my mom and my family, my extended family, i am the rotten tomato. all because im not dating a chinese.

mom says ive changed, ive become rude and unfilial to her, raising my voice, yelling, saying 'wadeva' each time she makes an untrue statement or a statement which i dun like to hear. truth is, ive not changed. i dun have time to do housework now because im busy with all my classes, work, and i nid a life. i go out with my frens only wad..twice a week? i still do dishes and wash my own things, u leave those clothes there and i will iron when i have the time. why is there a nid to iron up everything by the end of the week? why does it bother u so much that my clothes are there?  i myself have started to feel im not doing my job as a fren for them. i feel detached in fact. dats honestly how i feel. i am tired of hearing the same thing all over in a week.

i dunnoe how using the internet at home can be a hassle to the family. u tell me how. i am just bloody doing my own thing. i am not robbing ppl, not doing drugs, not out partying till im drunk (even though if it happens once in a blue blue moon its ok to me), why am i looked upon as a sinner, a criminal, but most of all an unfilial daughter? can someone pls tell me how am i unfilial in dat aspect.

the real reason why i dun like to go out with the family anymore its because whenver u guys talk to me, its always the same few topics and telling me wad im doing is wrong. being sarcastic, telling me if i have time for him, why not my family. does my family appreciate me? my sisters shout at me, my mom goes ard telling ppl disgraceful things about me and how she feels ashame of them. honestly, why do u even care how others look at it? u kip listening to others, wad about me? do u, did u, ever listened to me once in my 20 yrs on this earth? from pri sch to sec sch, whichever choice i make its all instigated by you. if i dun make the choice u want, u will fall out with me, telling me hurtful things, saying im silly, naive. really am i? why do ppl say im mature but to u im always silly and not sound enuf to make my own choice? have u ever ever put ur trust in me? the reason i lie is simple. i cant tell u the truth. u have made me feel so distanced i feel hard telling u the real reason.

i want to spend time with u all as a family. i eat dinner on weekdays with u all, i come home early, do my own stuff. wad else do u want from me really?if i dun eat anything that u prepared, u will make up assumptions. since pri one, till now. it has never stopped.

all i want, is to be with the person i really love. i dun wanna live my life with regrets not fighting for the love i tot was worth.

i am saying everything and telling everyone the truth for once and all.

as a mother, u have the responsibility to take care of us and make sure our needs are met. since young i have been helping you to do housework, yet now when im out working already u always say i dun do any housework. u ask for respect, but have u ever respected us as a child. u always say ive let you down, where? just because i did less housework now? how funny. so what if your fren's children did housework. u mean i did not? wad about my sisters? you din even train them when they were young, so now they dunnoe anything so everything has to be done by me. u said we nid to be responsible for everything we do. yes, we are. so wadeva consequences we face is ours. so why are u so hung up? i cant believe u want your kids to obey u so much they have no mind of their own. so when they do, theyre betraying you as a parent who have brought them up? so u mean even if we are not happy you will be happy la? oh, how generous.

do you know why i never went out with you anymore? because ur sis (aka our aunt)  kips saying sarcastic things to us. not only dat, she has no  rights to even say anything about us. just look at her own family. her daughter fell out with her, son is also not on her side anymore, husband is just useless. so wad makes u think her advice is so great? look at your other sis. shes trying to turn us into christians. ure a taoist. i cannot see the common interest there. and no, i dun wanna be a taoist or christian. for now, i just wanna believe in myself for i know myself best. i know wad i want. u always listen to the medium, believing everything she says. so why didnt you ask a fortune teller to tell you not to marry my father since he should be able to predict he will become such a husband and father? im not saying anything here, but whenever u scold us, pls check ur words and what you have done in your life. they are just so contradictory.

you always say we care only for ourselves and not for parents. other ppl care for their parents. im sure other people's parents do not talk bad behind their children's back. i am sure other ppl's parents let them buy clothes? or wadeva they want with their own hard earned money. dont you wish your own mom did dat too? im sure grandma did. so why are u so selfish, not letting me have a sweet taste of success? i know i am not earning alot, but for hell's sake, its time we learn to manage our own finances. from past events im sure u shld know. but why this mistake again? u never learnt dont you.

you have never praised us, encouraged us, you only pointed out our mistakes. i remembered when i was young, whatever i did wrong i would be made to kneel at the altar. but whatever my sis did wrong, you always never fail to cover up for her. pushin the blame to me. if she did not do her art, it was because i never do for her. if it was the long hours she was at the desktop, its coz i also use the laptop. wah, so now everything is my fault.

so now when i dunhang out with you, i hang out with my bf or my frens. they treat me much better and yes, someone loves me dat deeply. u said i dun treat you all as family anymore. u tell me how. when u kip shouting at me, saying sarcastic things. demanding things. i dun want to hear your screaming everyday. i am having a headache because of too much of it. but i will never tell you anything coz in the end its always my fault.

for anther record, i dunnoe how reading other ppl's msn convo and reading their organisers, rummaging through their stuffs is showing anyone respect. if u think u are, laugh at yourself pls. it just makes my 'hatred' for you deeper.

i know someday someone will say im an ungrateful wretch, but i cant take it any longer. its already at its peak.

i did not hate you. but u always said dat of me. so now, your prophecy has come true. congrats.

i am not sure how long more i can endure with these.

always checking up on me. asking me about my things. touching my things. rummaging through my stuffs. read my msn chats. update my bank book every month.  why i buy clothes. why cant people celebrate my birthday. why cant i eat a birthday cake on my birthday.why do i have to answer to my distant relatives who dont even give a shit about us. she threw away all my letters and memories. why do u always say im a failure when other ppl are proud of me. why cant i buy shoes i like. why am i 20. why do i feel like im being treated like a 2 yr old kid. why is it that my destiny has to lie in someone's hands. why cant i choose when i want to marry. ordering me to shut down at 11pm. teach sister maths that i haven touched in 3 yrs. pushing me to the edge. down the cliff. washed, ironed, folded, mopped. ask me why i did not do any housework. why did i not ask my sis to eat fruits. i am blind. i am naive. i am unfilial. i am stupid. i will be cheated. i am doomed. going to hell. broken marriage. fren's punchbag. anger outlet. human backup. dinner backup. weekend backup. snatched. meaningless.

y am i here?